One Night Stop

Left to Right: Jill, Debz, Fafa Jude, and Bianca

Debz came in at 12:15 a.m. And if she wasn't crazy for having to miss her flight, she had to leave in less than 12 hours to go back to New York... But then again she missed her first class flight again but this time it wasn't just once 4 times!!! It was great to have her here even for a short time. We've been friends since grade school and now we are here at the land where dreams may come true as they say...

Oh well...I'll be seeing her again this week I guess.

My Secret Admirer =)

Thanks for the roses Debz!

Mr. Noble's Birthday @ Whiskey Beach

the birthday boy himself...Mr. Noble

Fantastic Four

Left to Right: Ina, Paula, Jill, and Diana

Who sent me the roses?

"When the news is all bad, when the sky is all gray, when the chocolate is all gone, remember you'll always have me for a friend."

A Fed-Ex guy knocked at my door earlier...A long package for me...inside two sets of beautiful roses...I figured the card will have a name after the message but there wasn't any. I checked the internet hoping somebody dropped me a line...still no clue. No text messages. No phone calls. How will I remember someone as my friend I can count on when I don't know him/her?

Don't get me wrong...I loved the flowers. But I at least want to thank the person who thought about it and made that extra effort to show that he/she cares. It truly is a good start for my day especially I haven't been in tip top shape lately.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see how things will unfold. But whoever you are...if you read this, "Thank you..."

Sophie

My cousin's baby...Sophie.

Isn't she so cute?!

dark side of a manic depressive

I think I am manic depressive…

The other day I was so irritated in the house I started on the dishes…then my tub where I scrubbed it using a toothbrush…then I had to wash my sheets. One time I was in pain but I just had to clean and polish my toenails. Of course there are thoughts on what paper I should do in school…and the possible job I should apply at. It was terribly confusing since I needed to get some rest but my mind is not letting me.

Thursday came…almost 4 days without my medication and I just felt so anxious. I knew I had to take in my new meds…I had to or I’ll just scream at someone some time.

Saturday morning, I didn’t want to go to school. I slept at 3am and I can’t get myself comfortable to rest. My class talked about mood disorder and though my others classmates are depressed as well and some are bipolar…my condition is not in remission right now. I am actually in a depressed episode and it is no fun. I wanted to shout at the kids outside the house earlier because they have been soooo annoying for days. I wanted to go out besides my family…or my friends…I don’t want to be the third wheel right now. I’m scared to be alone but I really don’t have a choice, do I??

I feel like I need to go out but I can’t be with too happy people because I will not be able to feel the least comfy since I can’t put them down like me. I don’t think a lot of people understand what I am going through or what people with this disorder goes through. It is difficult since I want to be happy but I can’t.

Suicidal thoughts??? Well I had one earlier but just thought of cutting myself and thinking what will happen if I just die right now. Will people even know why I did it? Probably not…since a lot of the people I know don’t take me seriously when I tell them I am depressed. They think it is just an expression or just another term of saying I am sad. But these thoughts are normal…so what right?

I guess I wrote because I am trying to remove myself in that state. Maybe to the people I tried reaching out and telling I need someone will read this and they will eventually realize what I was telling them was serious. Sometimes this is another reason why it sucks living here in the states…people do not stop and take the time to really help someone. Everybody is just too busy. Unless you are family, it is not an emergency. Some families will care less at times. I guess that is why there are more people here in the states that have disorders.

To die today is not in my day agenda. I am hoping things will pick up soon and my new medication will start working. I am studying these things and I should know how to control them. But at the end of the day I will never know what it will bring me. My agenda for now is to be sane enough to know what is right from wrong.

Rest Day

I thought I will not be able to handle the pain I experienced yesterday from the surgery...

Nobody was there beside me...The doctor wanted to put me to sleep but I said it will be too expensive and I can handle it. But after all the numbing medication went away...I just cried. Even lortabs took a long time to get the pain to a tolerable level.

But I had to miss school even today...just so I can get some rest. The doctor did a lot more this time but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this will end soon.

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I wish I can go out and party tomorrow with my friends but I think I have to get this over with first. And I wouldn't be able to enjoy it since I can't be walking around all the time and drinking. I don't even remember the last time I partied.

And some people may feel bad about me not partying, I really don't mind. I guess that is why that certain guy assumed I am a girl that needs to be saved. I understand he doesn't get to party as much or doesn't have friends here but even now I still get upset. All this time I thought of him as a friend but he has to be mr. cool again thinking he can get away with things and play with my feelings. This is not the Philippines anymore. All the childish foolishness most of us did back home is not fit here in the States.

I was a fool then thinking there is more to his insensitive remarks and detachment. But I don't think he will even care if he knew there is nothing that I can offer but friendship. Oh well, it has been a good topic to talk about with my friends...Every thing mr. cool said just seemed to be a BIG JOKE!!!

Charity Case

Do some guys really think kissing a single girl will make them soooo happy? Are they just so full of themselves? Or do they think by a little time with a girl will actually save her from eternal sadness?

I have recently encountered one...and it surely pissed me off. I may have broken up with someone last month but it doesn't mean I need to be saved...or for someone to cheer me up.

Ok...may be the first 2 weeks I needed such a thing but I have moved on. I am happy with what I am doing now. I may have low points through out the day but who doesn't??? I get to enjoy time with myself...and trying to work my ass in school. And if I don't get to hang out with my friends...that is a matter of choice.

I am not the same person three years ago. I have better things to do than to wait for a guy to call me...or to kiss me. I am not desperate to get intimate with someone. I will love to be but doesn't mean I have to do it with everyone else.

Guess didn't see that coming from that guy...

Crunch Time

The school semester is almost over…

I am already enrolled in summer classes and have an idea on what to take for the fall…

But GOSH!!! There are so many things needed to be done.

I still have to work on my extra credit papers so I need to go to that Titanic Exhibit for my US History at the Tropicana…finish my paper for my Rock Music class…which is real awful since my professor dislike rock bands…and think of a topic for my Criminal Justice Class.

Then my Abnormal Psychology paper which is due TOMORROW…and my brain cells are just stuck right now. I love this class but it can be stressful since the professor bases our grade in our presentation (which I feel I did very well) and APA paper…

Not that I am complaining…I’m a self-confessed geek. Everything just seems so fast here that I have to think real hard on my next plans so as not to waste money and the effort I invest in these classes…

I better take a break and get into my paper in a few minutes…=)