dark side of a manic depressive

I think I am manic depressive…

The other day I was so irritated in the house I started on the dishes…then my tub where I scrubbed it using a toothbrush…then I had to wash my sheets. One time I was in pain but I just had to clean and polish my toenails. Of course there are thoughts on what paper I should do in school…and the possible job I should apply at. It was terribly confusing since I needed to get some rest but my mind is not letting me.

Thursday came…almost 4 days without my medication and I just felt so anxious. I knew I had to take in my new meds…I had to or I’ll just scream at someone some time.

Saturday morning, I didn’t want to go to school. I slept at 3am and I can’t get myself comfortable to rest. My class talked about mood disorder and though my others classmates are depressed as well and some are bipolar…my condition is not in remission right now. I am actually in a depressed episode and it is no fun. I wanted to shout at the kids outside the house earlier because they have been soooo annoying for days. I wanted to go out besides my family…or my friends…I don’t want to be the third wheel right now. I’m scared to be alone but I really don’t have a choice, do I??

I feel like I need to go out but I can’t be with too happy people because I will not be able to feel the least comfy since I can’t put them down like me. I don’t think a lot of people understand what I am going through or what people with this disorder goes through. It is difficult since I want to be happy but I can’t.

Suicidal thoughts??? Well I had one earlier but just thought of cutting myself and thinking what will happen if I just die right now. Will people even know why I did it? Probably not…since a lot of the people I know don’t take me seriously when I tell them I am depressed. They think it is just an expression or just another term of saying I am sad. But these thoughts are normal…so what right?

I guess I wrote because I am trying to remove myself in that state. Maybe to the people I tried reaching out and telling I need someone will read this and they will eventually realize what I was telling them was serious. Sometimes this is another reason why it sucks living here in the states…people do not stop and take the time to really help someone. Everybody is just too busy. Unless you are family, it is not an emergency. Some families will care less at times. I guess that is why there are more people here in the states that have disorders.

To die today is not in my day agenda. I am hoping things will pick up soon and my new medication will start working. I am studying these things and I should know how to control them. But at the end of the day I will never know what it will bring me. My agenda for now is to be sane enough to know what is right from wrong.

Rest Day

I thought I will not be able to handle the pain I experienced yesterday from the surgery...

Nobody was there beside me...The doctor wanted to put me to sleep but I said it will be too expensive and I can handle it. But after all the numbing medication went away...I just cried. Even lortabs took a long time to get the pain to a tolerable level.

But I had to miss school even today...just so I can get some rest. The doctor did a lot more this time but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this will end soon.

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I wish I can go out and party tomorrow with my friends but I think I have to get this over with first. And I wouldn't be able to enjoy it since I can't be walking around all the time and drinking. I don't even remember the last time I partied.

And some people may feel bad about me not partying, I really don't mind. I guess that is why that certain guy assumed I am a girl that needs to be saved. I understand he doesn't get to party as much or doesn't have friends here but even now I still get upset. All this time I thought of him as a friend but he has to be mr. cool again thinking he can get away with things and play with my feelings. This is not the Philippines anymore. All the childish foolishness most of us did back home is not fit here in the States.

I was a fool then thinking there is more to his insensitive remarks and detachment. But I don't think he will even care if he knew there is nothing that I can offer but friendship. Oh well, it has been a good topic to talk about with my friends...Every thing mr. cool said just seemed to be a BIG JOKE!!!

Charity Case

Do some guys really think kissing a single girl will make them soooo happy? Are they just so full of themselves? Or do they think by a little time with a girl will actually save her from eternal sadness?

I have recently encountered one...and it surely pissed me off. I may have broken up with someone last month but it doesn't mean I need to be saved...or for someone to cheer me up.

Ok...may be the first 2 weeks I needed such a thing but I have moved on. I am happy with what I am doing now. I may have low points through out the day but who doesn't??? I get to enjoy time with myself...and trying to work my ass in school. And if I don't get to hang out with my friends...that is a matter of choice.

I am not the same person three years ago. I have better things to do than to wait for a guy to call me...or to kiss me. I am not desperate to get intimate with someone. I will love to be but doesn't mean I have to do it with everyone else.

Guess didn't see that coming from that guy...

Crunch Time

The school semester is almost over…

I am already enrolled in summer classes and have an idea on what to take for the fall…

But GOSH!!! There are so many things needed to be done.

I still have to work on my extra credit papers so I need to go to that Titanic Exhibit for my US History at the Tropicana…finish my paper for my Rock Music class…which is real awful since my professor dislike rock bands…and think of a topic for my Criminal Justice Class.

Then my Abnormal Psychology paper which is due TOMORROW…and my brain cells are just stuck right now. I love this class but it can be stressful since the professor bases our grade in our presentation (which I feel I did very well) and APA paper…

Not that I am complaining…I’m a self-confessed geek. Everything just seems so fast here that I have to think real hard on my next plans so as not to waste money and the effort I invest in these classes…

I better take a break and get into my paper in a few minutes…=)

My Pumpkin

This is my big baby, Shadow...He weighs more than I do. I think he is between 100-110 lbs. He loves to come up the bed and sleep with me. And though he takes up most of the bed and blanket, I still want him besides me. These are one of the things I miss when I go to bed now especially on a weekend. I hope my family will eventually be able to buy a house so I can take him when his owner leaves the country. It is true that if you just want companionship don't get a guy...you're better off with a dog or whichever pet you prefer. They are far more lovable and less devious than guys. =)

Perfect Forecast

You're oh-so-close to having what you want, aren't you? You've earned it, and you should know that and be confident about it. Forget the guilt. Don't you want to enjoy what's rightfully yours? Someone is trying to make you feel guilty and, contrary to popular opinion, that's quite easy to do. But rather than giving in and letting it happen, do what you did yesterday and make sure all your bases are covered before you even think about recreation. That way, you'll be able to do the thing you do second-best (right after enjoying your playtime): You'll be genuinely, honestly and righteously angry if accused.

The Bottom Line

What you need right now, more than novelty, is a sense of stability.

By Friendster.com

Closed Doors

I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore…
I tossed and turned until my body ached.
Then I fell asleep.

I woke up with a new sense of being…
I felt numb of all the pain I felt last night.
Then there was indifference.

This is my box now…my own secluded box away from any pain.
No more longing for a touch of his lips.
All I feel is lust…
I don’t want to love.
I don’t want to care.
It’s my time to be selfish.

This is my box…my shield.
This is my time…my happiness.
This is my life…and no one else can take it away again.

My Illusions

Ever since I watched Love Actually I fell in love with Joni Mitchell’s song, “Both Sides Now.” Probably the scene in the movie gave more intensity in the song…

All her married life, she has been there for her husband, supporting her in every way she could. The one gesture that she has been looking forward to receive turns out to be a realization that her husband is considering to have an affair. Instead of having a necklace for Christmas, which he saw in his jacket and assumed it was her Christmas gift, she received a CD of Joni Mitchell. The very day where people have an excuse to show how much they love each other...is the very day she found out of her husband's infidelity.

Every time I watch that scene I want to scream the guy…I hate him and I hate guys who are like him…Men and their freakin mid-life crisis!!!

Sometimes I think I have figured out everything in my life…I have full control in my life. I am in the top of my game and I will not lose if I can foresee all the things going on with me. But here I am again wondering what went wrong. How can I miss it? How can I feel so sure yet the other person who I thought I knew doubted what we have? How can somebody not feel anymore pain yet here I am still trying to answer my questions?

I’m still stuck. And no matter how much I look at it I still don’t know the answer. I still can’t understand and grasp everything that has happened and is happening to me.

Both Sides Now
Joni Mitchell

Bows and flows of angel hair and ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere, i've looked at cloud that way.
But now they only block the sun, they rain and snow on everyone.
So many things i would have done but clouds got in my way.

I've looked at clouds from both sides now,
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions i recall.
I really don't know clouds at all.

Moons and junes and ferris wheels, the dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real; i've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show. you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know, don't give yourself away.

I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions i recall.
I really don't know love at all.

Tears and fears and feeling proud to say "i love you" right out loud,
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds, i've looked at life that way.
But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads, they say
I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day.

I've looked at life from both sides now,
From win and lose, and still somehow
It's life's illusions i recall.
I really don't know life at all.

Sleeping Beauty

Isn't he so cute playing dead?

Will this change your mind???

If I tell you I’m tired of going out on dates, will you consider seeing me?

If I tell you I’m over him, will you stop thinking my heart is still with him?

If I tell you I can’t hold somebody else without thinking how it feels to be in your arms, will you finally look into my eyes?

If I tell you my lips can no longer kiss someone without longing for you, will you finally touch me and kiss my lips?

If I tell you I smile every time I hear your voice, will it make you wonder?

If I tell you I miss talking with you and listening to your corny jokes, will it make you smile as well?

You see I am no poet like you…

I don’t have beautiful lines to express my emotions like you…

I don’t have the power to make you want me…or to make you love me…

But if it will make a difference, I care about you and everyday I wonder when I will get to be with you.

Year of the Rooster

~The open-hearted Sagittarius Rooster is a likeable free spirit, honest and down to earth with a tendency to sometimes put his foot in his mouth.


The Rooster is traditionally considered to be a favourable sign. His crow signals the break of dawn and the beginning of a fresh start, driving away the ghosts and evil spirits of the night. He is the only creature of the Chinese zodiac with wings and, as such, is regarded as the messenger that connects the two worlds of heaven and earth.
He has five virtues: knowledge, military expertise, courage, benevolence and credibility. His crest, `kwan’’, means coronet, and represents the pen, the symbol of knowledge, while his claw symbolises the sword of military skills. When confronted by an enemy, the courageous Rooster fights till the end without retreat. When he finds food he shares it to show his benevolence and he demonstrates his credibility by never failing to crow on time.
2005 is the year of the Green Wooden Rooster. Green is the colour of hope, of Spring, and of Youth, so this year will be exceptionally good for the application of scientific achievements to production and new creative work. Wood symbolises family values and astrologers say the family will constitute an integral part of everyone"s life this year. Practicality, business attitude and diligence will be valued highly and those who pay attention to even the slightest details will achieve remarkable heights
The Rooster is a very fertile bird, so tradition tells us that this will be the best time to find your true love and form a family of your own. Roosters are also communal creatures so 2005 promises to be a lucky one for joint ventures. Astrology suggests we should sign as many business contracts as possible and form new partnerships in the upcoming year. However, no matter the business, family interests should always come first!
The Rooster Person. Those born in rooster years are described as having a strong desire to be constantly at the centre of attention. Cheery, sharp and humorous, the magnificent Rooster will never pass up an opportunity to recount his adventures and specify his accomplishments. He is a flamboyant personality, feisty and obstinate, the proud extrovert who loves to strut his stuff. Outwardly confident, the Rooster is also a trustworthy, hardworking individual who speaks frankly with no qualms or reservations.
Roosters are very loyal. They detest dishonesty or mockery of any sort for they are direct and honest people who expect those around them to be the same. Roosters are happiest when they are surrounded by others, at a small party or a large social gathering, in some way enjoying the spotlight. A Rooster will either like you, or he won't - there's no middle road. Although they are vocal with opinions and ideas, Roosters are pretty tight-lipped about their personal emotions and feelings and rarely wear their hearts on their sleeves. They are intensely private people.

By Susanna Duffy

My Crew: Tropang Beygas

Easter Picnic...Wish I wasn't sick!!!